O.o
I am at my fathers. for all of you who dont know why this is weird, i'll fill you in:
i hate my father with a passion. he is hypocritical and condensending. he does heavy drugs, he's an alcaholic and he hits around his kids for a bit of fun. He hates me because i'm bisexual (for all of those who didnt know that, SUPRISE!), which is completely unfair cause HE'S gay, he is the son of a multi-millionire and he cant even afford to pay his child support, he sold my inheritance, which was supposed to pay me through college and he broke my nose on my birthday. he doesnt support anything i do-he calls me an ugly bitch and he tells me that i'll fail in everything i do.
i came here volentarily.
WHY?
because he IS my father. deep down, some tiny part of me knows he'll never change, that he'll always be the same, but he is my father. i HAVE to have faith. what are we without it?i need to believe he can change. i offered to come here so that maybe i can fix things up with him. so far, things are going okay...i guess. he's avoiding me, avoiding comnfrontation, just like he always does.he's throwing obsticals in my path, and he's insisting theres no bad blood between us, which is a blatent lie. i dont know...i dont wanna be one of the many people who are gonna be dancing on his grave. i dont WANT to hate him...i wanna clean up my life a bit, fix some of the mess i've made, and this is the major mistake in my life. this is so important to me.....i need to belive in this. maybe, if i can fix this, my life wasn't a complete waste. maybe.
*sighs*
things in general are a mess at the moment-mom's pissed at me, i have a $1000 phone bill, a close friend is suffering from nightmares where he dies and he predicts his death in the next ten years, which is scaring me, cause i dont want him to die.... i havn't slept properly in a week, i'm soooooo tired, i'm so weary, exhausted....by the way, if any of you ae thinking this is the wind up to a suicide issue, dont worry, i have NO intention of ever killing myself off....once was enough to scare me away for good. my heads pounding, i REALLY need to sleep, but it doesnt look like its gonna happen tonight..... at this rate, i'm gonna be reduced to lying to the people i love, just so that they dont have to worry about me anymore.....;_; i wont do that, i promise you all, kay?
I've been run off of my feet lately....my eyes are all itchy. eeeeh, i'll burn myself out soon, dont worry-i'll just pass out.
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at this rate, i'm gonna be reduced to lying to the people i love, just so that they dont have to worry about me anymore.....;_; i wont do that, i promise you all, kay?
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